Sometimes I post things for myself, so I can look back on this time and see where I was at. I share as an open journal for anyone who wants to read, this will be a free flowing journal piece. It is personal, vulnerable, and provides a deeper insight into who I am outside of the professional scope, if this is something that you don’t wish to read you can stop here.
Dec 14, 2025. So many things have been circulating my head lately. I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from parts of myself, maybe even majority of the year. The topic of motherhood has come up more in the forefront of my mind. I’m 32. When I was really young I day dreamed about having a bunch of kids, I would always say that I wanted 50 and I just pictured a whole school of kids running around, I would tell my mom and she would laugh. In high school I remember starting to day dream about living in the middle of nowhere, just me my future husband and maybe 4-6 kids. I pictured a bunch of untouched land and a clean small lake with a river not too far away, where we could bathe and sustain ourselves. As I grew older, that vision became less, do I want to have kids? I knew I didn’t want to have them with the person I was with at the time, not yet at least I thought, but still the vision became less. One night I had a dream, I had a baby and I didn’t want to see it, I put it in a room and left it, I felt guilty and I went back to find it dead, it didn’t survive and I was mad at myself and I just felt a deep sadness seeing it’s lifeless body. I left that relationship at 27 thinking maybe it was just the situation I was in the reason I didn’t want kids, maybe it would spark again in the future. But now I’m at 32, I ask myself do I? I could picture adopting maybe in some future where my biological clock isn’t a thing. Sometimes I do day dream of having a girl where I could pass along the knowledge from the generations of woman I come from, but it seems like just a day dream, and then it passes and it just makes more sense to stay with what feels comfortable. There are so many variables that can come from having a kid, and so many reasons not to—that lady on tik tok with that long list has about 1,000 and counting. I ask myself am I prepared to face those? I ask myself do I care to face those? and the answer is a no, I want to stay in my comfort. I think I could live very happily without having biological kids of my own, for starters there wouldn’t be this large toll taken on my body, that is probably one of my biggest fears, I’m scared of feeling like a stranger in my body, I tend to react very sensitive to changes in my body. My last year of highschool I had teeth surgically removed and just that alone caused me to be exhausted for a year, I couldn’t stay awake and when I was out with friends I would just crave getting home and falling asleep. I can’t imagine feeling like that and having to take care of a baby. Also not having kids, I can just relax, sleep in on weekends if I want to and my husband and I can go on spontaneous weekend getaway trips, we can pack up and go, no thoughts, that sounds so nice. I’ve also seen so many happy healthy older people and couples who never had kids and never regretted it and I think I could be happy with that for myself. So there’s many pros to not having biological children but I don’t want to make a decision based on fear and I wonder if somewhere there I am acting on fear, fear of the unknown.
My mom called me selfish recently for not wanting kids and I’ve heard it one more time since. But thats just a projection, sometimes stemming from lack of self awareness. I do sometimes, in my darker thoughts wonder, what if I wouldn’t be a good mother? Sometimes I fear that too.
I started to think about little me today in all these thoughts and at first I couldn’t locate her. Where did she go? who was little me? I was finding it difficult to remember, I didn’t even notice she had been missing from my mind for most of the year. It made me feel sad to think about it. This year, I accomplished all the goals I had set out to do, I got a grant, I have an art show for 2026 and I am working at a dream design studio. I’m very proud of that but I think this intense period of focus caused me to neglect this self. So I spent the day thinking about her. I decided to dance. I just needed to release, to move my body in a joyful sensual way and do it alone with myself. I did and I brought her back, and it was a emotional welcome, a blend of emotions changing from each song, one making me feel energized, another making me feel sensual, at one point a song came up that made me happy / sad cry while dancing. Cathartic and needed release. I remembered that little girl, how I liked to perform in front of mirrors with my friends, dance and toss my hair, how my mom would say “se le pego la locera” every time I would start getting into my joyful silly chaotic moods, I remember admiring the older girls and looking up to them, wishing my boobs would grow and learning to dance like them, how even at a young age I was understanding who I was, my womanhood. ( finished at 12:16am)