As the days begin to darken

“Tell me about your childhood”, I recently learned two things about this question: one, it’s an interview question that almost for certain, guarantees a person will open up, and two, there is a school of thought that believes you learn everything you carry with you by the age of 7.

I hold a belief that in order to be a balanced individual one must spend time with their shadow side. In an effort to explore all parts of myself I’ve been digging through the memory banks of my mind for the earliest memories of my darkness, moments that have stuck with me and that I have been curious to explore further. In this article I will share two of those moments.

1. Rage:

I only remember parts of this story that I can tie back to an actual memory of mine. To fill those missing gaps I have asked my parents about it, but they too have forgotten the events that lead up to this. So since I don’t have a full picture of this account I will retell what I know.

Sometime between the age of 3-7 I experienced rage. Rage, not a tantrum, not anger, the type of rage that makes one’s face go purple and made my parents fear I was going to pass out. To prevent that they took me into the shower, fully clothed, and sprayed me with the coldest water the faucet would allow. This is where the memory of this event starts for me, getting sprayed by frigid water and feeling angry and unable to escape, I think my poor dad must have been holding me upright, getting soaked as well in the process. I also recall, as secondary feelings, being slightly disoriented and confused as to why I was being hosed down. As I look back on this scene it feels blurry, like I’m moving all over, almost like a stobelight effect.

The cold spray down served its purpose, I didn’t pass out. The moment that followed was a coming down from this emotion. I was wrapped in a towel, wet and crying, the type of crying where you can’t catch your breath and your body will occasionally remind you of your need for air by forcing quick painful breaths into your lungs. I was familiar with these types of cries as a kid, they typically came at the end of a moment of anger and frustration, I’d cry and cry and eventually fall asleep and wake up feeling better.

On a seperate day, maybe the following day, I had a conversation with my mom on why they had done this. She told me this is something they had seen / heard about growing up, kids falling into a state of deep anger, turning purple and passing out, they saw me reaching that point and decided to take this course of action to literally cool me down. It was years later that I understood the word for the emotion I had experienced was rage.

I wish I had more of this puzzle piece. I picture what this scene must have looked like. I remember the layout of our apartment, the bathtub shower, the uncomfortable feeling of my clothes, heavy, cold, wet fabric, sticking to my body, unable to escape it. I imagine I must have mentally blacked out at some point, and that it must have been concerning for my parents. I imagine I must have disregarded my need to breath, causing me to turn purple.

2. Sadism:

This one is much darker, because the actions I took caused me to feel relief and from that, satisfaction. Again, sometime between age 3-7 I had a doll. It was a small peach-toned life-size baby doll and it’s face was unpainted so one couldn’t tell if it’s eyes were open or closed because they were blank; a peach colored rubber-plastic molding of a face. It had a soft body made out of stuffed cloth but its limbs and head were that semi-hard plastic material dolls are made out of. It was clothed with a white one-piece that was sewn onto its body and a white bonnet. I had other dolls that I enjoyed playing with but this one pissed me off. Occasionally I would take this doll into a room, close and lock the door behind me, I knew what I was doing was bad, hence the secrecy. I would take that doll by the legs and with all my energy lift it over my head and hit it as hard as I could, several times over and over until I was satisfied. Sometimes the head would bend inwards and I would pop it back out before resuming to my normal activities. Which, as fucked up as that is, also makes me laugh as an adult rewatching that scene.

This one too is puzzling for me. My biggest questions are: where did all that energy come from, and why did I feel such deep hatred toward that doll?

I told this story recently in a conversation with a friend as we were getting into our respective childhoods. “Are you a jealous person?” Was the follow-up question. My response:“I’m territorial”. The question stemmed from the thought that mothers can sometimes feel jealousy toward their daughters, and whether I might have been channeling some version of that feeling as the doll’s “mother”. Until then, that possibility had never occurred to me. Maybe it could be part of the puzzle. I can’t recall feeling jealousy toward the doll, but I also can’t recall where that feeling came from. So as I continue to explore it, many possibilities are still open.

Currently, I am in Chicago, somewhere around 42° N latitude. We just passed the Autumn Equinox, the season is changing, and the daylight hours are diminishing making way for longer periods spent in darkness. Maybe this is why I’ve begun to explore my own, like the plants and animals, I’ve begun channeling energy inward and towards my roots. This moment the season has created is the perfect backdrop, the perfect parallel, to set the scene for this period of exploration. I hope that it leads to fruitful discoveries.

Paintings by Swiss contemporary artist:
Miriam Cahn (b. 1949)

Paintings from top to bottom:

  1. Das Schöne Blau (The Beautiful Blue), 2008–17, Oil paint on canvas, 1905 × 1950 mm, Purchased with funds provided by the Europe Research Fund and the 20th Century Avant-Garde Collection Fund 2021 Collection: Tate, London (Reference: T15643)

  2. Rennen (Running), Oil paint on canvas, 1200 × 660 mm, Courtesy of Galerie Jocelyn Wolff

  3. Im Dunkeln (In the Dark), 2019, Oil paint on canvas, 1800 × 1400 mm, (70 × 55 in.) Courtesy of Galerie Jocelyn Wolff

  4. Soldat (Soldier), 1997, Oil paint on canvas, 300 × 220 mm, Exhibited as part of Soul Mapping at Zeno X Gallery in Antwerp

  5. Sans titre (Gesicht) (Untitled (Face)), Oil paint on canvas, 386 × 265 mm (15 1/4 × 10 3/8 in.) Originally from the collection of Galerie Stampa in Basel later sold via via Christie's.

  6. Angebot (Offer), 2009, Oil paint on canvas mounted on wood, 483 × 298 mm (19 × 11 ¾ in.) Originally from the collection of Galerie Jocelyn Wolff in Paris, later sold via Sotheby’s

  7. Ereignis (Event), 2006–2007, Oil paint on canvas, 499 × 851 mm (19 5/8 × 33 1/2 in.), Sold via MutualArt /Auction Records

  8. Rennen (Running), 2013, Oil paint on canvas, 2800 × 2000 mm, Courtesy of Miriam Cahn, Galerie Jocelyn Wolff, and Meyer Riegger.

  9. O.t. (無題) (Untitled), 2017, Pastel and charcoal on paper, 856 × 581 mm (935 × 652 mm framed), Originally exhibited in the landschaftlich series, courtesy of WAKO WORKS OF ART (Tokyo). Private Collection.

  10. O.t. (Untitled), Oil paint on canvas, 450 × 350 mm (17 3/4 × 13 3/4 in.), Featured in the catalog Gezeichnet (Mousse Publishing, 2023). Courtesy of Galerie Jocelyn Wolff and Meyer Riegger.

I first encountered Miriam Cahn’s work at the Museo Reina Sophia in Madrid, Spain on a trip in August 2019. Her work was in a long hall and her paintings were large. I remember thinking: “she captures visions”.

Youtube interview with Miriam Cahn

highly reccomend you read her writing posts on her site in the link below:

Cahn's selection of writings on her site

A Coruña Spain, August 12, 2026, a picture of the Sun about 20 minutes before the total solar eclipse

Screenshot of my video from the 2026 Total Solar Eclipse in Spain, we watched it near the Petroglifos de Punta Herminia in A Coruña, the Torre de Hércules can be seen in the background

as dark or light as you can imagine and further beyond that,
the reality is that it’s not you, them or me,
it has always been just one

I work with brands and I wish they would get off Instagram (a prelude)

 

This article is a prelude to a larger series exploring brands that have left Instagram and why it will be the next big shift we will see in the culture of how people and brands use the internet space.

Send us a video in clear light, holding up a paper with the number 762137, tilt your head left, right, up, and down, your face should be fully visible. These were the instructions I was given by Meta in order to regain access to an instagram account I created for work.

I am very protective of my data and do not have a personal instagram account, so when I made the account I set a few rules for myself:
1. only use the desktop version of the site, never download the app
2. only access the account through my work computer
3. do not add a phone number
4. do not give it access to my camera
5. do not use any real names, DOB, or true information

Then yesterday, after about 6 months of having this account, I was booted out under the premise of “please complete this test to verify you are human”. The first test was a simple capcha test. The second, instagram was requiring my phone number for confirmation. Phone numbers are usually optional on the platform and I have opted out of giving that information.

Phone numbers can be traced, the number connects to a real person with a real address and data about who they are in network with. Meta uses this to build a map of who’s connected to who, and paint a better picture of that user’s data profile.

So I started a chat on their platform with customer service, I was connected to someone under the alias “Lane Lewis” then “Lois Love” both immediately asked for my name in order to verify the account, I gave them my username handle. I was curious if there was a way for a user to bypass this request and let them know I didn’t have a phone number. So I was moved to the second solution: take a video for us. “ I do not have video and camera capabilities, is there another way to verify I am human”. According to Lane and Lois there was not, but they could send me an email to my account email address with instructions that I could later reply to when I did have access to a camera.

I won’t be completing this test and have regained access to instagram by setting up a new account, but it does bring up the question in my mind, why is Meta requiring this level of identification verification for their users and why is it reminiscent of the image documentation used when taking people into government custody?

I am also suspicious about what prompted my account to be flagged for verification and if it had anything to do with the lack of data the platform has been able to pull from my account.

Addendum

 

On a separate note I recently went to Spain and many things have changed since I last went in 2019. There is no hiding the surveillance and the lack of choice one has in the matter. Setting foot in the country, the requirement is to have your face and fingerprints scanned. There is an illusion of choice, a prompt on the screen asking for consent to this collection of data. But in reality the choice is you either grant consent or you can hop on the next flight out of the country because you can’t enter.

This is a recent EU program rolled out earlier this year. As we waited in line, the man behind us told us there are many people complaining about this system, which makes sense, no one wants to be tracked this way. I absolutely hate that this is the level of data collection we are being subject to, it has never made me feel “safer”, because the reality is these systems are not set up to do that, they are set up to control and track for the benefit and use of a few. As surveillance states increase we begin seeing more examples and opportunities where collection and mistorage or even ill-use of our personal data is and could be used in to build systems that are not in our best interest.

Rouge Open Ai Agents hack Australian government in health data breach, September 24, 2026
 
 

Adendum 2

My secondary account has been placed on freeze as of October 5, 2026. less than 2 months from when it was set up. This time I was able to capture the screenshot of what Meta was requiring to regain access. This time Meta went straight to requiring a photo image of me rather than a phone number. I will be setting up a third account and documenting this process here.

 

Shu Lea Cheang’s 3x3x6, presented at the 2019 Venice Biennale, examines the systems of surveillance and identification used to monitor people, particularly in prisons. The work references the dimensions of a standard prison cell and fills that space with cameras and facial recognition that continuously observe and classify its occupants. The visitors of the exhibition have their faces and movements captured and transformed into data and digital avatars on the display screens in real time.

It’s meant as a critique, but Cheang is also feeding into the system through the collection and processing of faces and data. I mean fuck it, as I’m writing and curating this blog, sharing details about my life, I too am feeding the system I am critiquing. I have little hope there is any real escaping if one wants to be an active member of society and the best we can do is attempt to limit, confuse, or benefit from the use of our own data.

The who?

Today I pulled my headphones out to listen to a song my lyft driver wanted to show me. It reminded me of the time when I was nine and wanted to read Addy’s American Girl story to my mom. I caught her in the middle of doing laundry and I got her to sit down and listen to me read her the book. She later admitted she was initially annoyed that I had asked, but something compelled her to humor me. As we got further into the story, both her and I were in tears.

I had the same feeling my mom did, I didn’t really care to listen to this man’s song. I was initially annoyed when he started talking to me, I just wanted a peaceful ride with no interactions on my way home. Last week my lyft driver would not stop talking about an AI venture he had started. He had quit his job and was learning how to train AI agents convinced this would retire him early. I listened as he listed off all the fields he was aiming to sell AI prompt bundle packs for, doctors, lawyers, “oh you’re a graphic designer? I have prompts for that too”. When I asked him if he had sought out feedback from anyone in any of the industries he had listed he proudly pointed to himself, “Nope, all right here baby”.  He just kept babbling on and he sounded clueless, completely clueless and I was like do I tell him? I didn’t, maybe I should have, maybe that would been the kind thing to do, maybe someone will, maybe someone already has.

But back to my lyft driver, when the song came on he was like “This is a good song you should listen to it” and I was like, okay you know what, fuck it, this man wants to show me his song, and maybe it’s a good song. He seemed really excited about it, not in an overt way, more like a subtle internal expression that gave me the sense that it meant something to him. It was “Love Reign O’er me” by The Who. I switched over my focus to the song he wanted to show me. At this point I was committed to listening and I let him know he could turn it up, he moved the volume to 32, I got the sense he was being polite so I encouraged him again, letting him know that if he wanted to blast the song he liked he should, so he moved it a few more volume points up to 41. It was a decent song, nothing mind-blowing, from the 70’s, and I tend to love the music from the 70’s. Halfway through the song he angled his mirror to see if I was approving. I’m not even sure the man even enjoyed his song as much as he was just trying to make sure it connected with me too, but I thought it was sweet that he wanted to share this.

The man looked to be about 65+, so he would have been in his late teens/ twenties when it came out. I wonder what memories this song brought back for him. I didn’t ask, instead we just listened to the music and then another song and then another until I finally made it home, but I’m kind of curious now.

Took this picture while on the ride, a few seconds later the song came on

Things that inspired the work for my show on alien life

 
 

“Atmospheres of Possibility”

May 15, 2026
6 - 9pm
Roots & Culture Gallery

An imaginative show exploring alien life on far away exoplanets. Built in collaboration with Michael Zhang, an astronomer at the University of Chicago researching exoplanet atmospheres in search for clues that could point towards the possibility of life outside of our solar system.

show runs from May 15 — June 20
1034 N Milwaukee Ave

 
 
 
 

  1. La Planète Sauvage

Film (1973) directed by René Laloux

I love this film. Its based on a french sci-fi book “Oms en Série”by Stefan Wul and takes place on a planet where human-like creatures (Oms) are both pets and pests to technologically-superior blue beings with red eyes (Drnaaggerss). There are two types of Oms: the domesticated ones, pets to young Drnaaggerss, and the wild ones, surviving the mysterious planet’s volatile landscape. The story follows an Om who escapes captivity and ventures out into the world. Its a fantastical watch, highly recommend, the soundtrack is equally amazing.

This film and it’s illustrations have been a source of inspiration for me way before this project began and, of course, continue to inspire the work I’m making for this show

Full free movie on youtube
 
 
 

2. Parallel Botany

Book (1977) by Leo Lionni

I read this book in 2024. It is a fictional book written in a non-fiction format documenting a mysterious branch of botany: “parallel plants”. The parallel plants exist on earth but they exhibit strange, unexplainable behaviors.

Lionni’s illustrations are BEAUTIFUL. And the book uses scientific fact and historical storytelling to blur the lines between reality and fiction, something I wanted to recreate for this show.

 
Blog Post and more info on Parallel Botany
 
 
 
 

3. Hélène Smith

A famous late-19th century French medium

I found out about Helen Smith from the book “From India to the Planet Mars” by Théodore Flournoy. Smith was a psychic medium who claimed to have contact with aliens on Mars via group seances she would host. I was curious, so I found an audio version of the book to listen to. I probably only listened to an hour or so before I stopped. It was clear that Flournoy was attracted to Smith and he lost all credibility for me after that. But I did like the imaginative aspects of this work, and eventually in the process of building the work for this show I created my own typeface; Sufamelico.

 
More on my typeface: Sufamelico
 

4. Everybody’s Guide to ESP

Book (1991) Ingo Swann

Towards the end of Summer 2025 I decided I wanted to poke at this project through the lens of ESP and I purchased this book out of curiosity. In it Ingo Swann talks about an early experiment where he would have a box suspended over his head and would draw what he perceived in it.

Since I can’t put planet K2-18B in a box I adapted the method using a large sketchpad. I would start by writing a question with my right hand—something like, “What do life-forms on K2-18B look like?”—then switch to my less dominant left hand, take a pinch of loose charcoal and spread it across the page. From there, I’d use an eraser and charcoal stick to form the “image”.

I say “image” because most of the results resemble psychological inkblot tests more than anything concrete. After a session, I’d step away, then return later to study the charcoal rubbings. I’d look at the rubbings and redraw what I saw onto my notebook. I was mainly looking for forms, or suggestions that could evolve into ideas of what life on this planet could look like.

 
 
 
 

5. Scavengers Reign

Animated sci-fi v series (2023) created by Joe Bennett

I watched this series on HBO Max, it was so beautifully made. It is about a crew of space travelers that get stranded on a strange planet after their craft crashes. The surviving crew is scattered across the terrain of the planet and left to survive their circumstances. Some come across aliens that mess with their mind and perception. There’s also some beautiful moments of awe. This was fun to watch and I think part of that trickeled in to the work.

 
 

6. Hilma af Klint: What Stands Behind the Flowers

Show (2025) MoMa, organized by Jodi Hauptman with Kolleen Ku, Chloe White and Laura Neufeld

This show had been on my list, but we didn’t make it to NYC before it closed. Thankfully MoMa did a great job documenting and cataloguing the work online, so it’s almost like I was there, at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Hilma Af Klint made these paintings while taking care of her sick mother in Sweden. There’s little vignettes within the composition, where she uses geometric shapes to tie the natural world back to her work on the spiritual studies. I was inspired by these moments. They create an additional dimension for information to enter the composition, and pair so well with the flowers images. I took inspo from this, so when you see the small vignettes in the work I produced from the show, you’ll know where I stole that idea from ;)

 
Moma website on the show
My blog post on Hilma Af Klint's work
 

7. Solaris (BBC radio play)

Radio play (2007) adapted by Hattie Naylor, based on book by Stanisław Lem

Michael brought this book to my attention. So I tried searching for an audiobook I could play in the background while I was drawing. I still haven’t read the book but I found this BBC radio play of it on YouTube that was worth the listen.

Youtube link to radio play


 

Sufamelico: A typeface to write coded messages

Inaugural Issue of PT Zine produced in collaboration with Christian Solorzano and Sean Fermoyle of the Chicago Graphic Design club and PT Type Foundry

PT Zine

I designed the typeface Sufamelico last summer and named it after a Spanish-language cipher I used as a kid to encode messages.
SUFAMELICO- you can create coded messages by swaping letters,
S = U
F = A
M = E
L = I
C = O

A word like “HELLO” becomes coded as “HMIIC”.
Here’s some other examples to help paint the picture:
USE = SUM
THIS = THLU
CODE = OCDM
TO = TC
HIDE = HLDM
INFORMATION = LNACREFTLCN

The characters for this typeface were inspired by math forms. In fact, some of the letters like X, A and S, were made by tracing shapes directly from the Jinsihou templates that I’ve collected and used in my work the past few years.

To back track, at the time of making this typeface (April 2025) I was working on a project with a University of Chicago astronomer imaging life in far away planets. My mind was thinking about coded languages and alien plants. I was imagining planets where the plants communicate through waves of color and shape, and I was dreaming of rooms where floating symbols hid coded messages. Externally, ICE had been active in monitoring communities and communications.

One day I sat down and drew out letters as an exercise and that’s how the typeface came to be, it was all very quick.

I had shared some of this work with Christian, founder of Chicago Graphic Design Club, and he reached out with a new project he was starting, PT Zine (pronounced “Point”). He said he wanted the zine to be a series of expressive, experimental type case studies and asked if I’d like to design the inaugural issue. I said yes.

I took the opportunity to treat this zine as a huge puzzle and filled it with coded messages and images that I created exclusively for this project.

If you purchased this zine, the key to the puzzles is provided below.
If you don’t have you’re copy yet you can purchase through the Chicago Graphic Design club, all proceeds go to support the club.

chicago graphic design club
Buy SUFAMELICO typeface

Sketches and Inspo

 

Puzzle Key for PT Zine

 

There are several puzzles and hidden messages scattered throughout PT Zine Issue 1, you can spend time trying to solve them, or scroll through this page for the solution.

 

Puzzle 1

 

Deciphering the story
HINT: to solve this puzzle you must switch the following letters with each other:
S - U
F - A
M - E
L - I
C - O

 
 
 
 

!!!

The other hidden puzzle in this story is when you add up the first letter of every grouping to form a new sentence (this style of hidden messaging shows up once more in the zine).

 
 

Puzzle 2

Spot all 37 “eye”s hidden in the zine

 
 

Puzzle 3

Deciphering the quote in the middle of the interview, this one I can’t give away since it comes with a special gift for those who solve it.

 
 

The flower image on the opposite page also spells the word “GARDEN”

 
 

Other hidden messages

 

  1. If you take the first letter of each answer in the interview and put it into a sentence, you’ll find a hidden message.

  2. On the cover image, I hid the word “ONE”, an homage to this being the inaugural issue of PT zine.

 
 
 

(“UFO” grouping also shows up a few times there but I’m calling that a happy accident)

have more questions?
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Grief and The Miraculous Weeping painting

Coincidentally, I created this painting at a time where I was grieving many things in my life, Fall 2021. I would go through waves, I would be sad, cry, take a nap and feel better. A few nights a week I would drive down to Pilsen from Streeterville, sometimes stop at the studio but mostly with the intention to go to Pennywhistle and play pool.

My studiomate Daniel and I had become weeknight regulars there and it was a fun time. There were many characters who’d frequent the free pool table at Penny and because the regulars there played a doubles format we quickly became acquainted with everyone. In fact, I met one of my closest friends there. After a night at Penny, I’d usually crash on Daniel’s couch, who lived a few blocks away. In the morning he’d make us a cup of coffee. He’d prepare it on the stove and agitate the milk with a handheld frother. I’m not a coffee drinker but I’d always look forward to it, it was the perfect consistency and had a taste that was slightly sweet but not sugary, to this day it’s the best homemade coffee I’ve had. After, I’d drive home or go to the studio but I wasn’t making as much art, and I no longer kept my midnight studio practice*. The looming colder weather had taken that from me along with my frequent bike rides on lake shore drive. The days were getting darker earlier and I knew I didn’t want to sink into a seasonal depression so I’d look for other things to brighten my day. Sometimes I’d dance at home. On weekends, I’d pick a direction and drive. Sometimes the grief would hit randomly, and I’d cry and cry until I could get myself out of it and find something of joy again. Sometimes the joy was just day dreaming, sometimes it was something to distract or to feel excited about. Eventually the frequency of the grief subsided.

I did not intend for this to be a weeping painting. The dripping occurred when I mixed linseed oil into the pigment that I used to darken the top third of the painting. Since the canvas was standing upright, the medium, through the course of a few days, made it’s way down and dried into a hardened texture of droplet streams. And because it took me days after applying that layer to return to the studio, I returned to a painting that had released tears of its own.

In some ways I think of this painting as my own version of those miraculous Catholic weeping statues that were frequently featured on segments of Primer Impacto. (Growing up there was always a segment on some supernatural story featured in the Spanish-language news).

In other ways, this painting transports me to a landscape that smells of rain and wet dirt. I once heard someone refer to that smell as the smell of “God”, and the memory of that scent comes to mind when I look at it.

The painting now hangs in my basement study area, near a window where the natural light makes the droplets more prominent. In the mornings I sit here, spend time with it and take in the morning light. Even though it is a relic of this time in my life, it brings me so much joy to be able to see it in my day to day, and it’s become my most treasured piece.

The Miraculous Weeping painting, reading / study nook in our basement where the painting now resides, it is a special area in our home

Bellow the painting is my candelabra. The candle wax that drips from it mimics the tears of the painting

The Miraculous Weeping Painting, October 2021, Oil on Canvas, 18” x 24”. NFS

Nighttime image of the painting taken at my old studio in Mana Contemporary, where this painting was made. During this time I was transitioning out of my Midnight practice, a period of my life where to go to the studio late into the night and work on art. The weather was getting colder and I was spending more weeknights at the Pennywhistle.

Sunday October 17, 2021

The hall outside my studio, late at night

*Midnight studio practice

Might delete later

Sometimes I post things that so embarrassingly expose the deeper personal parts of myself, so I can look back on this time and see where I was at. I share as an open journal written for anyone who wants to read, It is personal, vulnerable, and provides a deeper insight into who I am outside of the professional scope, if this is something that you don’t wish to read you can stop here.

Dec 14, 2025. So many things have been circulating my head lately. I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from parts of myself, maybe even majority of the year. The topic of motherhood has come up more in the forefront of my mind. I’m 32. When I was really young I day dreamed about having a bunch of kids, I would always say that I wanted 50 and I just pictured a whole school of kids running around, no care for the logistics of what that would mean for me. I would tell my mom about this goal I had and she would laugh. In high school, I remember starting to day dream about living in the middle of nowhere, just me my future husband and maybe 4-6 kids. I pictured a bunch of untouched land and a clean small lake with a river not too far away, where we could bathe and sustain ourselves. As I grew older, that vision became less, do I want to have kids? I knew I didn’t want to have them with the person I was with at the time, not yet at least I thought, but still the vision became less. One night I had a dream, I had a baby and I didn’t want to see it, I put it in a room and left it, I felt guilty and I went back to find it dead, it didn’t survive and I was mad at myself and I just felt a deep sadness seeing it’s lifeless body. I left that relationship at 27 thinking maybe it was just the situation I was in the reason I didn’t want kids, maybe it would spark again in the future.

The past few years have felt like for the first time in my life I can relax. For the first time in what I can recall I feel supported, and I didn’t realize how much of that I didn’t have until I had it. I’m an adult who’s carved a life for myself that feels good, where I can just be, and I want to bask in this moment, this small achievement of mine. Part of me just wants rest and live in this space for a while. But I’m 32, and my bio-clock is ticking and I ask myself have I rested enough?

Sometimes I do day dream of having a girl where I could pass along the knowledge from the generations of woman I come from, but it seems like just a distant day dream thats built from an imaginary place that isn’t grounded in the reality of what that really means, to dedicate one’s life to support their children.

There are also so many variables that can come from having a baby as a woman, and so many reasons not to—that lady on tik tok with that long list has about 1,000 and counting. I ask myself am I prepared to face those? I ask myself do I care to face those? I hate the idea of feeling like a stranger in my body, my boobs getting saggy, looking at the mirror and not recognizing myself. My coworker recently told me about a friend of a friend who had a c-section and can no longer swim in the ocean because the muscle to her abs was quite literally cut in half, that terrified me.

I’ve been called selfish by my mom for these thoughts. Yes, I’ve read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. Yes, I’m scared of what that means, for my own understanding of parenthood. Yes, I’d love to grow and do better. Yes, I am terrified.

In all these thoughts about motherhood, the prospect of it, what it would mean to care and raise little ones that would then go on to become adults of their own I started to think about little me. It’s a practice I learned about in therapy, you can go back to those moments sometimes happy, sometimes painful, sometimes moments that impacted some part of you and you sit with them, you are an adult now and you have the power to protect her, love her, listen to her, care for her. It’s a way to go back into the memory banks of your mind and spend time with that person you once were.

So I tried this and at first I couldn’t locate her. Like I couldn’t even remember who I was at that point in my life, what had compelled me to want those 50 children or what my happiness hopes and dreams really looked like at that age. Which is surprising to me, I usually make it a point to check in and I didn’t even notice “she” had been missing from my mind for most of the year. It made me feel sad to think about it. This year, I accomplished all the professional goals I had set out to do, I got a grant, I have an art show for 2026 and I am working a job I love with people I enjoy being around. I’m very proud of that but I think this intense period of focus caused me to neglect this self. So I spent the day thinking about her. I decided to dance. I just needed to release, to move my body in a joyful sensual way and do it alone with myself. I did and I brought her back, and it was a emotional welcome, a blend of emotions changing from each song, one making me feel energized, another making me feel sensual, at one point a song came up that made me happy / sad cry while dancing. Cathartic and needed release. I remembered that little girl, how I liked to perform in front of mirrors with my friends, dance and toss my hair, how my mom would say “se le pego la locera” every time I would start getting into my joyful silly chaotic moods, I remember admiring the older girls and looking up to them, wishing my boobs would grow and learning to dance like them, how even at a young age I was understanding who I was, my womanhood.

Plein Air drawing with Flor

This summer didn’t go as expected, I got a call the evening of Tuesday, June 4th, It was Miguel. He had been going out to the burbs to play basketball in an unofficial league his friends had started. He had been running down the court when he felt someone hit him hard on the back of his ankle causing it to snap, but there had been no one behind him, and he knew immediately something was wrong .

Miguel’s mom and I arrived to the ER to find him in the lobby waiting to be seen, sitting in a wheelchair. After about an hour Miguel was called over for evaluation, then about another hour later again into a room for results. The doctor, ruled out broken bones as she poked around the back of his ankle. Two med students entered the room and wrapped his right foot. We we’re told he needed to keep it wrapped and dry and that we should see a specialist ASAP.

We left the hospital at about 1am, tired and with vague answers. When we arrived home, I grabbed the spare crutches we had collecting dust in the garage, cleaned them up and Miguel used those to climb the back porch stairs to get into the house.

A few days later we were seen by a specialist. With one quick examination he told us without a doubt it was an achilles tendon tear and assured us that, although slow to recover, it was a pretty common injury. We had two options, we could go the route of surgery or let it heal naturally with scar tissue, either way it would take about 2 months to start walking without crutches, 4 months to start PT and a full year to recover completely. The doctor told us we had 2 weeks to decide before surgery was no longer an option.

Miguel’s birthday was in a few days and his childhood friend, John and his fiance, Konako were coming to stay with us for a week from Hawaii. It was tough. When they left we made the call and Miguel went into surgery.

The recovery was rough, Miguel was couch ridden for about two weeks and then through the course of the summer had to learn how to walk on his foot again.

We both spent much of Chicago summer indoors, so when Flor messaged me saying we should do a plein air art session in their studio garden, I was excited.

Excerpt from that day:
Today I had a drawing session outdoors with Flor, and for the first time this summer it felt like I was communing with nature. I didn’t realize how much I needed this and how much I had neglected it, in light of how unexpected this summer has turned out to be. But it felt like a rediscovery, where I was able to flow again and it has given new life to my creative energies.

The playlist of music I was listening to as I sat and drew shapes from this cucmber plant. August 2, 2025

This week I’ve been working on an upcoming zine issue (PT Type) in collaboration with Chicago Graphic Design Club, as a result I’ve been thinking about typography . As I was walking around the garden space I was immediately drawn to the shadows of the cucumber plant’s tendrils and knew I wanted to spend some time with these shapes that felt calligraphic.

Experiencing magical moments in the garden

Flor in the distance drawing a geranium

My colored pencil drawings from today’s session

After the morning Plein air drawing session I went to Flor’s gallery talk at 65Grand gallery where I saw this piece (below), the top right corner features a flower from the cucumber plant I had been drawing earlier that day. The title of this piece is inspired by the sensation Flor de Piel, the literal translation is “flower of skin” but it’s meaning translates roughly to “on the surface of the skin”. It describes a state where emotions or sensitivities are readily apparent, like an aura floating on the surface of the skin. It can also refer to something being easily noticeable or exposed.  If you spend some time with the piece you will begin to notice the elements of the body that make up the framework for the work.

Flor Flores. “A Flor de Piel Lips like Petals Enredadera”. 2025. found flower, soft pastel, gypsum plaster. 5-1/4 x 9 in

Flower, Wind and Dog show at 65 Grand Gallery in Chicago July 11 - August 9
Participating artists: Flor Flores, Daniel Hojnacki, D Rosen

Show info

One of Flor’s early Kiki works (pictured center)

Studio visit to Flor’s studio May 18, 2025

Click for more of Flor Flores' work

Guided by the Unseen: The Art of Hilma af Klint

Long before her paintings were hung in museums, Hilma af Klint was quietly documenting messages from the spirit world.

At the turn of the 20th century, spiritual séances were gaining popularity across Europe. Scientific discovery was advancing, but much of human experience still fell outside its reach. The séances became a space to explore what didn’t fit neatly into logic. For many artists, especially women, it offered a way to trust intuition. To listen instead of explain.

Af Klint had formal training at the Royal Academy of Fine Arts in Stockholm. But the work she’s now known for didn’t come from academic study. It came from a small spiritual group she formed with four other women, who called themselves De Fem, Swedish for “The Five”. They held regular séances, entered trance states, and kept detailed records of the messages they received from beings they called spirit guides. Some had names, like Amaliel or Ananda.

One message told her to begin a series of works she called The Paintings for the Temple. Nearly 200 paintings filled with symbolic forms. She said the work was guided. That she wasn’t making it on her own.

I don’t find that hard to believe. When I was creating my Midnight works*, often times the process felt like a collaboration with something outside of my self. I’ve never used a Ouija board, but maybe it’s not so different. There’s a kind of trust that develops when you become a vessel for something outside of yourself and let the work be shaped by something you can’t fully name. The unknown isn’t just tolerated as a factor of making, its welcomed and it’s part of the process.

Af Klint’s work came years before Kandinsky, Mondrian, or Malevich. But unlike them, she wasn’t trying to break away from realism to find a new language. She believed she was receiving one. She was a medium channeling messages though the method of art. Her paintings weren’t formal experiments. They were visual transmissions about spiritual ideas: vibration, polarity, the evolution of the soul.

She rarely shared the work. She thought the world wasn’t ready for it. When she died in 1944, she left behind over 1,200 paintings and 26,000 pages of notes most of which are in the care of the Hilma af Klint foundation. She asked that they not be made public until at least 20 years after her death.

It took longer than that, but eventually, the work was seen. Her 2018 retrospective at the Guggenheim became the most-visited show in the museum’s history.

What stays with me isn’t just the images, but the way they were made. Quietly, privately, with trust in something that didn’t need to be proven. That feels familiar. Not everything I make comes from a clear idea. Sometimes it feels like I’m just making space for something I know but don’t fully understand yet.

Hilma af Klint wasn’t painting for her time. Maybe she wasn’t painting for ours either. But we’re able to see the work now. And that feels like a kind of opening.

Paintings for the Temple

Group X, Altarpieces, No. 1, 1915

Group X, Altarpieces, No. 2, 1915

Group X, Altarpieces, No. 3, 1915

A collective automatic drawing by De Fem, Hilma af Klint's spiritualist group. CreditThe Hilma af Klint Foundation, Stockholm

A detail of “Group VI, Evolution, No. 15,” from af Klint's 1908 series titled “The WUS/Seven-Pointed Star Series,” the piece shows the artist's mixture of writing and symbols.

The Ten Largest Collection

(Group IV) Painted rapidly under spirit guidance, the series visualizes the human life cycle as a vast, symbolic progression. Their title comes from the towering size of these paintings.

No. 1, Childhood, 1907

No 2, Childhood, 1907

No. 3, Youth, 1907

No. 4, Youth, 1907

No. 6, Adulthood, 1907

No. 7, Adulthood, 1907

No. 9, Old Age, 1907

No. 10, Old Age, 1907

Image credits to Frieze magazine

Sources:
1. “Hilma AF Klint: Paintings for the Future” by Tracy Bahkoff (Guggenhiem Exhibition Catalogue)
2. “Spiritual Drawings of The Five” (audio by the Guggenhiem)
3. “Charcoal drawings and My Midnight Series” blog post

Final notes:
In late spring of this year (2025), the Hilma af Klint Foundation issued a statement clarifying its stance on three key points: who may view the collection, whether limited sales are permissible to fund conservation, and the feasibility of a future museum. The majority of the board reaffirmed that the artist’s work should remain accessible to both scholars and the public. They also stated that any potential sale of works would take place under controlled, professional conditions. An independent study has been commissioned to explore the idea of establishing a dedicated museum. You can read the full statement on the Foundation’s website.

https://hilmaafklint.se/majority-of-the-foundation-board/

*My Midnight works refers to practice I kept for about a year from November 2020 - November 2021 with majority of the work produced taking place during the warmer summer months at the time I was (27-28 years old) . I would go to the studio late at night typically around midnight or after and work on something. The light coming from the window would provide some natural light but I made it a point to keep the lights off using only a soft spotlight to light the area I was working at. The work produced during this time felt guided, and I felt open to that guidance.

Charcoal drawings and my midnight sessions

I don't have family heirlooms but I have figs

I recently participated in photographer Monyeka’s self-initiated project “from them, through us”.

The project is a portrait series of first-generation creatives. Each person is asked to bring their work and an object that ties back to their familial history.

I brought figs.

View project archive
Participate in her project

Mami Mitty and her fig tree

My grandma loves to travel. At any given time of the year this woman will be out and about, but every year in the summer time she makes it a point to go back to her home in the mountain town of Mexico. Summer 2021, I visited her there for about two weeks and spent time with her and her friend Modesta who graciously hosted me.

On the morning that the following photos were taken, Modesta let me know my grandma had gone up to her house and was in her garden. I found her trying to fix a loose gutter on the roof of her garden shed. After we fixed it, she proceeded to bring some buckets and had us climb the tree to collect her all time favorite fruit, figs, which just so happened to be at peak season.

My grandma has always been resilient, you can not tell her she can’t climb this fig tree because it’s dangerous, she will laugh in your face and I love that about her. So there we were that morning collecting buckets of figs and climbing her tree. After, she had us cut open the figs and lay them out in the sun for them to dry. This process turns the figs into what we call “orejones”, they are one of her brother’s favorites and my grandma was planning on bringing him some on her way back.

You can read and view more pictures about this visit here:

Durango 2021 Blog Post

Images from Monyeka’s photoshoot

Studio photos by Monyeka.com table arrangement by your’s truly

Photo shown is of my grandma,Mami Mitty and her closest sister Tia Rosenda

Complete Photo shoot

Guides of Life

My life has been full of parallels and guides. This is a legacy not of my own but from long before me. I have reflected on the many ways my life has been guided, like waves of the ocean, chapters of my journey. I have endless stories of these parallels. Testimony to the guides of life that I’ve come to know. Here I will share a few, maybe in your own reflections you’ve also come to know of these forces of the universe.

My dad arrives in California after multiple attempts. He is working at a restaurant saving money and plans on returning to his homeland after this is over. He hears of a program through word of mouth and applies to it. My dad is granted citizenship.

My mom is pregnant and home alone when she hears a cat sound, she looks around the apartment and realizes the sound is coming from within her. Her daughter is crying in the womb. She has heard of this before, through stories in her hometown. Although she is tempted to she doesn’t tell anyone. She holds this secret until my 7th birthday, when she can finally tell me.

We are living in New Mexico when something occurs, my family makes the decision to leave. My dad quits his job and we head to Illinois with no source of income or home. We stay with family in a house with three, now four, families living under the same roof, a few months later my dad secures a job as maintenance at an apartment complex. A free apartment is included as part of his employment package, My family doesn’t have to worry about rent for the next 30+ years.

My mom was going through a difficult period in her life that manifested in self-destructive tendencies. I was entering my teen years and we were fighting at home constantly. One day at the park with family friends, my friend’s parents let my family know they were going on a religious retreat to an area in Ohio. My family let me go with them. One of the ladies in our group, Flor, helped guide the group through prayers. I remember feeling so at peace. I prayed for my mom during this trip. Weeks after I got back, my mom stopped these behaviors. She later told me she had lost her desire to engage in these activities, seemingly out of nowhere.

Art supplies were expensive but the complex we lived served as student housing for a near by art school. Art students would constantly leave art supplies when they moved out and so I had a constant supply of art materials coming in to use.

I don’t remember how but the name “School of The Art Institute” comes into my life, sometime around my freshman year in high school. I look into the school, that’s where I’ll be going. I knew I was an artist since I was a child, but now I know the school I am going to attend. I spend the next few years, ordering their student catalogs, reading them through passing periods and attending programs.

I am exhausted, I commute multiple hours a day to school in the city, I work two jobs, one is easy, one is at a restaurant. Family life at home is not good, my mom and I are constantly at ends, she keeps telling me that I should not go to school, that I should focus on God and that I can’t live under there roof anymore now that I am no longer religious. The constant stresses make it difficult for me to focus on anything and I feel like a zombie as I’m going through life. I leave and I don’t speak to my family for a few years.

I am working at Chicago Public Schools on a freelance project, I have saved up enough money and my contract on the project is about to end with no foreseeable funds to continue. I decide to go to Europe, it is my first time I am able to afford a trip, my first time traveling anywhere that isn’t in the midwest in 10 years, my first time ever stepping foot in a new continent and my first solo trip. I land and a few days later I walk into a bar in Madrid where I meet a woman while sitting at the bar. After some talking she invites me to her birthday at that very bar the next day, unbeknownst to me at the time, she works at Vogue Spain. The next day I go to the party and there I meet a lovely French woman. She mentions the company she works for Publics, and tells me that they have an ad agency in Chicago. She tells me about the Bla bla car driver she just met on the ride to Madrid and we share stories of love. After exchanging emails we become pen pals for the duration of my trip, she tells me about her mom whose sick I tell her about my travels. Half way to my trip I get an email from Leo Burnett asking if I am available for freelance work. I am not, I am traveling, enjoying my month long trip in Europe and in no rush to get home. Two weeks later, a few days before I am set to arrive, another email comes in, this time I am available.

It is nearing the eclipse, I am excited it is the first time I will ever be seeing it in totality. I decide to take this time in preperation for the eclipse as a sort of spiritual journey. I realize there are behaviors I have been carrying with me, vestigial behaviors, that no longer serve their purpose in this season of my life and are causing more harm than good. I decide to leave these behind and ask that anything that I no longer need to carry with me to remove itself. I am looking at the eclipse as a form of new beginnings, an incineration of old things. Two weeks before I am set to go to Mexico, on a Tuesday afternoon, I get a chat on my work computer to jump on a call. I do and I am informed that I am part of a company wide layoff.

I’m not sure where to begin, but I trust, deep in me is a knowing. The universe situates me where I need to be as it always has and always will. I keep going in the direction that calls me, an act of trust I’ve learned is wise to follow. I begin my journey, the journey has proven more difficult than anticipated. But I keep exploring this calling, the visions, the knowing. Trusting the guides that have been there since before I can remember.

A waxing crescent moon with Venus showing up to the bottom right of it. January 3, 2025

The beach in La Jolla, San Diego, California : February 20, 2025

I accidentally ripped off the work of an artist I had never heard of: Lucio del Pezzo

Today I reverse image searched my artwork on Google Images. When I input the “Cosmic Energies” painting I came across a strikingly similar piece by Italian artist Lucio del Pezzo (1933-2020) titled “Casellario”, 1990. I was stunned, the more I look the more similarities I find. I wanted to share this discovery as an exercise and invite you to spend some time finding the similarities the two images share. I also included a “key” of my own, Enjoy :)

 
 

Wendy Robles
Cosmic Energies, 2024
Watercolor and Guache
7 x 10 inches

Lucio del Pezzo
Casellario, 1990
Silkscreen
70 x 100 centimeters

 

Key

Lucio del Pezzo:
“the great metaphysician”:
(1933-2020)

He seemed like a swaggy character in his youth. I came across a tribute on Vouge Italia with photographs taken by Gianni Ummarino of del Pezzo in his home studio in Paris, in 1971

About del Pezzo, Ummarino writes:
‘He always seemed to me to be on the verge of passing into another space-time dimension . Perhaps also because the soundtrack that filled the house were Pink Floyd songs from "Ummagumma" and "Atom Heart Mother". In the write up Ummarino also referes to him as “the great metaphysician”.

His works are geometric, interested in symbolism rather than depicting anything concrete. To me, it feels adjacent to the work of artists who have dabbled in the realms of the mystic and the spiritual through abstract symbolic shapes, in line with figures like Hilma Af Klint and Wassily Kandinsky. There’s also something super Bauhaus-y, about it, it’s kind of teetering those two bridges, design and art/spiritual, but maybe I’m projecting.

I’ve included a few select finds here to spark your curiosity along with the photos of him in his home studio (LOVE looking at photos of artists in their environments).

Untitled, 1984,
Collage and mixed media on paper, 74 x 57 cm

Untitled, 1987
Silkscreen and collage on paper

Sirena, 1999
Collage, acrylic colour, gold leaf, pigment on wood

Untitled, 1987
Silkscreen and collage on paper

Géométrie tridimensionnelle, 1974
Silkscreen on paper

Dall'esperienza all'occulto
Mixed technique and collage on board

The Sun, 1972

Astrazione III, ca. 2000

 

Oppenheimer and Manhattan project, traveling to Los Alamos, New Mexico

I’ve never been fan of winter season in Chicago after December. For the past few years we’ve tried many things to get away from it. This year, it was a road trip to the west coast. During this trip we stayed in New Mexico for a week, the Land of Enchantment, and the place where I lived for part of my infancy and childhood.

About 45 minutes out of Santa Fe is Los Alamos, a town most famously known for being the site of the Manhattan Project (1942-1945), a secret World War 2 program that produced the scientific discovery that lead to the making of the atomic bomb and subsequently nuclear technology.

Los Alamos is a small town surrounded by mountains where the Los Alamos National Lab still exists as a federally funded research and development center for nuclear technologies by the U.S. Department of Energy. The entrance to this area, reasonably so, is limited to those who work there. Driving into town there’s a few scenic look out points and a to-scale replica of the Manhattan project’s guard gate welcomes you as you enter.

The real history of what took place in the 1940’s still exists on Bathtub Row, a short 5 minute drive from the Bradbury Science Museum. It is there where the homes of physicists, Hans Bethe and J. Robert Oppenheimer, still stand today.

As of March 2025 the Oppenheimer house is still under works and unable to be toured by the public, but the company which filmed the Oppenheimer movie in 2023 has donated it’s props to the space, which you can see as you peak through the windows.

Conversely, the neighboring Hans Bethe house is open to the public and available to tour for free. It was there that we were greeted by a docent who took us through the history and memorabilia which included Frederick Reines’ Nobel Piece prize, a desk displaying items from Stan Ulam‘s work station, and a foot painting featuring the feet of some notable scientists including Enrico Fermi, a name familiar to Chicagoans, for his contributions at The University of Chicago and his namesake Fermilab in Batavia; another one of 17 National Laboratories of the U.S. Department of Energy.

It is remarkable to think of what took place in this inconspicuous town. A group of the most talented minds, working on a project that would come to be one of the most ethically conflicting scientific discoveries.

As more countries have developed their own bombs at least 2,056 have been tested around the world, producing massive areas of contamination, long-term public health issues and rendering much land, once home to people, uninhabitable. (A disproportionate amount of testing took place around small pacific islands with smaller governments affecting many native populations who did not have the global voice/ platform to advocate against these practices. These tests have created long term damages and its effects can still be seen generations after in health issues, birth defects, and crop and wildlife radiation levels).

A project from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago’s alumnus, Isao Hashimoto, is displayed in one of the rooms of the Bethe house and illustrates this data. It is a video of a time-lapsed map that shows the dates, locations, and countries involved in 2,053 nuclear weapon detonations over the span of 53 years (1945-1998) .

Beginning in the 1996 many world leaders have decided to halt nuclear testing, with the last recorded test to date occurring in 2017. However, the affects of these tests will linger for much longer. And the threat that a world power will repeat the horrors that occurred in Hiroshima and Nagasaki still looms.

There is much to say on the topic of the Manhattan project and it’s effects, on ethics, warfare, public health, science, energy, technology, the environment and humanity. I will not be going further into detail on these in this post. But if you’d like to learn more on the matter the NYT created a in-depth interactive piece dated June 2024 which I have linked below and is worth the time. I have also included pictures and helpful information for those who wish to make the trip to Los Alamos and learn more about this history.

Clickable links below:

Resonstucted replica of the main guard gate as it stood during the Manhattan project. This gate is called “The Main Gate Park” and can be found at 2700 E Rd. Los Alamos, NM.

Senator Clinton P. Anderson Scenic Route as seen on the way into Los Alamos from Santa Fe

The front of the Hans Bethe house on Bathtub Row (neighbor to the Oppenheimer house). 1350 Bathtub Row, Los Alamos, NM 87544. At first it looked like another house in the neighborhood, but walk up to it, you’ll see a plaque on the right side. The house is open to the public for touring.

Names of Nobel Laureates connected to Los Alamos: Niels Bohr, Arthur Compton, James Chadwick. Enrico Fermi, Ernest Lawrence, Isidor Isaac Rabi. Edwin McMillan, Felix Block, Owen Chamberlain. Emilio Segre, Maria Goeppert Mayer, Richard Feynman, Hans Bethe, Luis Alvarez, Aage Bohr, Val Finch, Dudley Herschbach, Thomas Cech, Norman Ramsey Jr., Fred Reines, Joseph Rotblat, Alan Heeger, Masatoshi Koshiba, Roy Glauber.

The Nobel Prize in physics for the detection of the neutrino awarded to Frederick Reines, physicist on the Manhattan project. The detection of the neutrino led to a better understanding of nuclear force, the realization that neutrinos have mass, and provided a way to study the interiors of stars (like supernovae) as neutrinos can easily escape from them, carrying valuable information about the events happening deep within stellar cores.

Mathematician on the Manhattan Project, Stan Ulam’s desk displayed with items he owned and texts about him. During his time on the project he was part of the theoretical division working on the design for the first atomic bomb. An inscription he wrote on his desk reads: “A mathematician does something on a piece of paper & then lo & behold a big explosion may occur”

A calculator tool, similar to the ones used by the Manhattan Project team to compute the calculations that lead to the project’s success.

Harold Agnew, physicist on the Manhattan project who later became the third director of Los Alamos National Laboratory, used to print holiday cards as a yearly tradition. During a cocktail party in the early 1950’s he had guests paint their feet and step on this masonite block. Notable guests featured include physicists Enrico Fermi (black footprint) and David Hall (bottom right yellow).

Robert Oppenheimer’s Signature inscribed into a desk at the Hans Bethe house. This is along with many other scientists and their loved one’s signatures, It is unknown as to whether the scientists actually signed the desk of if Agnew took it upon himself to trace their signatures and later wood burn them onto the desk.

The docent at the Bethe house encouraged us to stop over to the neighboring Oppenheimer house and take a peak through the window. This staging you may recognize from the movie Oppenheimer (2023). There are plans to have this opened as a house to tour in the future.

The current Los Alamos National Laboratory as seen from the road

The road gates to the current Los Alamos National Lab

Lessons from the Ocean: The day I was guided by the waves

As I’m writing this I’m sitting in a dark church, by instruction of my mom, who keeps trying to convert me back to Catholicism and told me to go to speak to el Santisimo.

I drove out of the city about 40 minutes to the first church. Closed. A frequent enough occurrence that’s beginning to make me feel like they’re trying to keep me out.

I get back on google maps and search for catholic churches near me. “Has to be catholic or it doesn’t count”. I find one, drive 20 minutes, pull up to their empty parking lot, park the car near a door on the side of the building and start walking towards it, certain will be closed. By some miracle the side door is open. I’m guessing someone forgot to lock this specific door as I don’t think the church is open by the fact that I am in an empty church sitting alone in darkness lit by red candles.  

I had a lot to reflect on, which I did most of on the car ride over. So when I arrived and sat down my mind began to wander instead. I've been sitting on this pew for an hour, maybe two, and haven’t said much—and by “said” I mean the conversations that go on in my head at the other end of my therapy sessions with the higher power out in the vast universe— but the inspiration to go on my notes app and write this story down came to me, so here it is.

Oahu, Hawaii: December 2023: Konako, Miguel and I had gone out to the Makapuu Beach Park. I had craved to get in the water but the waves had grown and there were swim advisories posted that day at the entrance of the beach. I don’t recommend anyone to ignore advisories but that’s what I did.

We had drove an hour or so around the island looking for a good beach and settled on this one before seeing the swim advisories. We were the only people there. We laid our towels down and pulled out the poke we had bought from the back counter of a local market. For a good half hour we sat there talking and observing the water.

I kept weighting my options about getting in. We had driven all this way and I wanted to get in the water. I’ve swam in the ocean a handful of times, apparently enough to have the confidence to swim out there despite the warning and empty beach. To my credit, I’ll add that the shape of the beach was bay-ish, generally one can feel safer about the ocean water when it’s in a bay-ish shape.  For these reasons I decided to get in. 

To give a sense of what the water looked like that day, there was a section of consecutive waves all with white tops for a portion near the shore but their height was moderate and further past the waves the water looked calm. In my limited knowledge of swimming in the ocean I’ve been taught one basic skill, if the top of the wave appears clear you’re safe to stay afloat, any hint of white at the top of wave, GO UNDER! (learned that lesson before). I figured if I could swim past the series of white topped waves I would be safe to relax in the water.

I walked up to the shore and then ran into the water, diving at a small wave, kept swimming, passing the first series of white tops then the second and third, by the fourth one I was floating in the ocean, head above the water staring at the waves in front of me as they came in. It was LOUD. I was immersed in the water and it was nice. As I swam further into the ocean I could feel the strong push of the underwater back to shore. This reassured me that I wouldn’t be pulled further into the ocean against my will.

After a few minutes in the water, enjoying what felt like the eye of the storm, something told me to let myself be taken back to shore through the natural push of the waves. I decided to listen. So when the next big wave came in, I took a deep breath and went underwater, letting the push take me back to shore, a complete surrender.

This is where the magic happened, for a brief moment my whole being felt in state of flow, of trust, and it felt magical to be underwater, my whole body guided against my will. I really don’t think I’ll do a good job articulating how magical that brief moment felt to me. I didn’t know where it would take me, but I knew I was safe and I let it all go, I let myself be guided by the unfathomable force of the ocean. I was a strand of seaweed being pulled through the water, that’s what I became in that moment.

When I resurfaced I realized the ocean had moved me much further than I had thought, towards the rocks that were bordering the bay. I placed my feet on a sturdy rock next to me positioning myself before the next wave’s push came in. Above the surface the scene must have looked tumultuous, but underwater I was immersed in the ocean’s push, secured by the rock at my feet. I came back out after the push had subsided and had only a few seconds before going back underwater as the next wave crashed above me. I’m not actually sure how long I was playing this game of “duck” with the ocean, but in my mind, it was the third wave that a lifeguard showed up, extended his hand towards me and pulled me towards sandier ground where I could stand. We ran out of the water and back to shore.

Miguel and Konako were standing. They had grown worried because they were calling out to me with no response. I had no idea, I didn’t realize how much of their voices I hadn’t been able to hear. 

I understand that my audience is broad, and this story runs the risk of making light of the dangers that can happen when swimming in the ocean, please be mindful that the ocean is a very powerful force and is to be respected .

As I sat on this pew, retelling this story on my notes app, I got the answer that I had spent all day searching for. An answer that I may one day be able to provide more clarity about here on my site. If and when I do, I’ll make sure to come back to this post and include a link for those curious to know more.

Lessons from the ocean and the parallels of life, thank you.

February 4, 2025

Google Images picture of Makapuu Beach Park

Ex-votos

My first encounter with Ex-voto paintings was on a trip to Mexico City in 2021 at the Frida Kahlo Home museum known also as “The Blue House”. Her and Diego Rivera had become collectors of these small foil paintings. I am not sure if it was a curatorial decision or the original home decor, but the paintings hung in one of the first corridors near the entrance, on the first floor that looked out to the courtyard and lead to the kitchen.

Ex-votos are small paintings usually made as thankyous to Saints who have granted miracles to the patrons who commissioned or created them. They depict the miraculous scenes in painting and are usually accompanied by a brief description.

Their popularity is now mainly attributed to Mexican Catholic culture, but ex-votos originated in the Catholic regions of Italy and Spain, where these paintings would line sections of a chruch. I’m imagining they served as a form of entertainment to the local communities and fulled juicy gossip stories from the people who read them.

I did a deep dive online and found a select few, I’ve been enjoying looking at all of these, some are wildly hilarious, a young woman thanking a saint for successfully sneaking in her boyfriend without getting caught by her parents. There are also fantastical ones depicting scenes of ghosts and aliens. You’ll see that some of the more contemporary ones are satirical in nature, but I wanted to include them because they remain true to the structure of the ex-voto. In this post you’ll find a few standout ones that I hope you will enjoy.

In my research I also came across a Russian Tumblr page dedicated to old and contemporary ex-votos which I will link here incase you feel like browsing through more.

Frida Kahlo Home Museum

Corridor where the ex-votos hung

Kitchen that followed

The other night my boyfriend came into my bedroom through the window because my parents do not want him, but suddenly they came because they heard our noise. I dedicate this to San Ramón Nonato who made the miracle that they did not realize that my boyfriend was hiding behind the bed and believed the story that it was my cat that made the noise. Salazar Luiciana, Tamaulipas 1940

In the night I began to feel very thirsty, I went down to the kitchen but to my horror there were aliens eating at my table. My dog who is usually a good guard was inmobile. I give thanks to the Virgin of Zapopen because the aliens did not see me and I was able to remain in my home safe and sound until they left.

Full of anger against my brothers Damien, Celestino and Juan Lopez Soto when they came back from the fields I gave them bad food and all because they didn’t let me go with them to the dance in town with my boyfriend. But when I saw them begin to get sick from the food I asked the Virgin of Solitude to restore their health and she did that same day, thank you. Matilde Lopez Soto. Oaxaca, Oaxaca. 1958

Gilberto Morales did not wait a year to remarry after the passing of his wife. So in the nights she would haunt my husband in the bedroom and appear as a ghost. I thank our Lady of Zapopen for making sure that his deceased wife’s spirit could rest in peace and not appear to us again. 14th of November 1954

One night my boyfriend Pedro and I went to the cemetery so no one would see us since my parents do not allow me to have a boyfriend. We were there when all of a sudden some skeletons appeared to us and gave us a great scare that made us leave running. Thanks to the Virgin of Guadalupe the skeletons did not reach us. Miss Lupita Gomez. Tequila, Jalisco. November 5, 1972

We could not get a hold of our horse, Blanquito, and it had already kicked two of the men who had attempted to restrain it. We asked for the help of the Saint Nino de Atocha that helped bring the horse to a docile state and we were able to get a hold of it. Ayazdeo Lopez Rives. Jalisco, Mexico .1953

Virgin of Guadalupe I give you the infinite thanks for helping me avoid being cut and hurt when a client of mine tried striking me with a bottle upon finding out that I was not a woman when we were on our way to the hotel. In seeing myself in such danger I pleaded to you Virgin Guadalupe and here I am safe. La “Buenota”. Bario de la Mersed, 1999

I give infinite thanks to the Virgin of Guadalupe for giving me the blessing of being the best prostitute of the Colony. Even though business is struggling I have the best clients and they look for me because of my dangerous curves that all the men love. Zulema “La Chula”. Mexico City. 1999

After leaving Sunday Mass on the 15th of July 1942 the sisters Rosa and Carmen Ruiz had a great scare when they were assulted at the market and held at gunpoint. Immediatly they pleaded for the intercession of the Virgin of San Juan de los Lagos so that the man would not kill them. The assailant only took their bags where they only had minor pocket change and did not cause them any physical harm.

My granddaughter Remedios became very ill when she gave birth to her son. We prayed to San Ramon Nonato so that the child would not become orphaned. The saint answered our prayers and my granddaughter’s health was restored. October 5, 1949

When we returned to the town in the morning after visiting the outdoors my family and I saw a UFO over the town had taken all of the town’s residents. We give thanks to the Virgin of Zapopen that the UFO did not spot us and returned the people to the town.

My daughter Claudia was at school practicing gymnastics when she had an an appendix attack. The Doctor that assisted her said she was in danger of loosing her life. In anguish, I prayed to the Virgen of Zapopen that she would save her and the virgin in her infinite mercy guided the hand of the doctor and my daughter is now well. Guadalajara, June 21 ,1949

2025 Artist Lunar Calendars

3rd annual Lunar Calendars are here!!!

For this year’s calendar, I’ve created a digital companion resource guide (available by clicking here) which helps you navigate using the moon cycles for haircare, gardening and fishing.

These calendars feature the four major moon phases and their placement within the astrological constellations for the best tracking.

They are printed on 120lb Mohawk paper and are double sided featuring a sun and a moon side. They are personally my favorite calendar editions to date.

This year the Woman Made Gallery selected them to be featured in their Member’s show. A special framed version of this calendar is available for purchase through them.

These calendars are also available on my Etsy shop but if you are in the Chicago area you can pick them up at:

Logan 11 Bar & Kitchen
2230 N California Ave,
Chicago, IL 60647

Into the Feral
2914 W Belmont St
Chicago, IL 60618

Buy Here
Calendar Resource guide

Parallel Botany: An inventive book about imaginary plants

Parallel Botany by Leo Lionni , (1977)

I enjoyed this book so much that after I returned it to the Chicago Botanic Library I searched E bay and Thriftbooks.com for months until I found a reasonably priced copy ($70) to add to my personal collection.

Leo Lionni is primarily known for his work as a Children’s Author. Writing stories in the 1970’s that many of us 80’s and 90’s kids grew up with.

His book Parallel Botany is a project that deviates from his traditional work. Much like discovering Dr. Seuss' darker paintings, passion projects like this one feel like treasures to me, acts of love that artists leave us with giving a glimpse into their curiosities and imaginations.

Parallel Botany is a 181 page fictional “non-fiction” book about imaginary “Parallel” plants that defy the laws of evolution, motionless in time, unmotivated by the need to reproduce, often possessing unexplainable qualities. At times invisible, these plants, disintegrate into white dust when touched by humans.

Lionni writes the book in a way that feels like a nonfiction historical account, presenting these unique plants with a sense of factual precision and detail. Complete with history that never happened and myths about plants that never existed, he credibly conjured a novel detailing a new branch of botany.

It was his illustrations that first drew me to this book. Scattered throughout the pages, you can see his touch as a visual artist, bringing these plants to life. As standalone pieces, they resonated with my own practice since I also spend time working within the imaginary world of plants.

I picked a few of Lionni’s illustrations from this book to share here and included a small summary of the plants for context.

As an extension to his parallel universe, Lionni also created a few bronze sculptures of these plants. which I also included images of. And lastly, in my research I came across images of his home studio. I find that an artist’s home studio can help give so much context to the type of artist one is and how they prefer to work, so included here are images of all of that as well.

Antola Enigmatica
A plant that produces a physical “hallucination” one’s body split into two identical bodies while sharing one consciousness, it is a hallucination that is perceived in reality by others not under the plant’s effects.

Trillus
A version of this parallel plant, the “Trillus Odoratus” Is said to be used as part of an orgy ritual for the Machole Indians of the Mexican Sierra.

Anaclea Taludensis
A cluster of flowers that appear as black silhouettes to the naked eye, defiant to the laws of perspective, these plants are an optical illusion, regardless of how close you get to them they appear the same size.

Protorbis
Unlike most Parallel plants that disintegrate to dust when touched, these mushroom-like plants can be touched and transported. Their size varies from infinitely small to infinitely large.

The Labirintiana
Believed to have turned into a parallel plant to reduce the population of the ants in the region. This plant uses it’s maze-like structure and alluring scent to attract these ants and keep them busy.

Antaphid ants
The ants capable of endlessly eating everything in sight, posed a massive threat to all plant life in the region before the parallelization of the Labirintiana.

Artisia
Resembles a 18th century baroque sculpture, peculiar shape unlike any other plant seen before.

The Geminants
Appears as a seed/bud rather than a plant. Unlike other parallel plants, this one allows itself to be touched and cooked.

The Giraluna
Spherical “seeds” that shine with a strange metallic gold shimmer. Inspired the old Yaghurian legend about a poor farmer who grew the golden seeds to feed his family.

Photograph of the Giraluna taken by Marshall Norton during a parallel plant expedition.

Sigurya Barbulata
This plant’s “head is said to look like “a nose wearing a skirt”

Sigurya Natans
A parallel plant that lives in water, young men are forbidden to look at them as it causes the plant to go invisible.

Lionni’s Sketchbook

 

Lionni’s sculptures, paintings and home studio

Artist and Author Leo Lionni next to his bronze Giraluna sculptures in Venice

Leo Lionni’s “Imaginary Gardens” bronze sculpture in the Real Gardens of Verona’s Castlevecchio, 1978

Leo Lionni’s Home Studio in rural Connecticut, 1954 photographed by Ezra Stoller for Domus

Book notes

I found it helpful to take notes while going through this book to keep up with the lore and history of these imaginary plants

The Geometry of Nature

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During my college years I took two mathematics courses, Perspective Geometry and Geometry in Nature. The later, admittedly, I wished I had paid more attention in. It was a tumultuous time in my life and the class wasn’t anywhere near my list of priorities.

There was however, one thing that stuck with me. The professor, who had been teaching this class for years, had a tradition of bringing in a pineapple during the lesson on fractals. He noted, over the past few years he had found that his grocery market pineapples would on occasion fail to demonstrate the fractals they once did. The natural fractal of the pineapple was disappearing in the modern food systems. Sure enough, the pineapple he picked for that day’s class failed the fractal demonstration. The professor, as a result of his findings from this lesson, urged us to observe.

Recently, my interest in natural geometry has returned to my practice and as a result, into what I observe. I spent the winter painting geometric exercises, including the “Circle of Nine”, a 7-circle solution used to divide a circle into 9 equal segments. It was in early Spring, on a morning walk, when I noticed the same pattern in the first flowers that showed up in the neighborhood lawns, the Daffodils. I captured this observation in a painting:“Spring Daffodil and the Circle of Nine”.

“Circle of Nine”
March 11, 2024. Watercolor and Gouache on Cold Pressed Arches Paper. 7”x 10”

“Spring Daffodil and the Circle of Nine”
April 3, 2024. Watercolor and Gouache on Cold Pressed Arches Watercolor Paper. 7”x 10”

How to make an orrery

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What is an orrery?

An orrery is a model of the solar system that shows the positions of celestial bodies like the planets, the moon and our sun.

How I made my dining table orrery

Materials:

  • Cloth/ backdrop for your orrery (can be anything you already own and is free)

  • Objects to represent the celestial bodies, this could also be anything you already own and is free, think rocks, trinkets, or your own hand made creations like ceramic or wood carvings. You will assign meaning to these objects to represent the moon, sun and planets

I recommend to start with just the sun and the moon. You can always add in planets as you progress.

For your backdrop, you will mentally divide this into the 12 constellations of the zodiac / ecliptic plane (similar to the way a clock is divided in 12). For the purposes of this orrery I have chosen to omit the constellation Ophiuchus, which falls between Scorpious and Sagittarius.

The 12 o’clock (north) will be Pisces, 3 o’clock (east) Gemini, 6 o’clock (south) Virgo, and 9 o’clock (west) Sagittarius. Fill in the remaining 8 constellations according to their order (see the diagram “Table Set Up” in this post for guidance). We start with Pisces at the top because it has historically been considered the 12th and final zodiac constellation.

Next, place each celestial body in its position for that day. To make sure your placement stays accurate day to day use the online tool found here on the Sky & Telescope website. Position Earth at the center of the backdrop.

I chose to put the Earth at the center for this orrery because my main use for this tool is to visualize where everything is in our night sky in relation to Earth. This positioning assists with my telescope viewing and shows me what planets are visible in the night sky, at dawn, or dusk.

The moon will be your most constant change day to day. It is the satellite that revolves around our Earth and completes a cycle around the orrery every 28 days. The sun will move one constellation over once a month completing its cycle around the orrery in a year.

On the days of a full moon the sun and the moon will be seen placed opposite each other. Conversely days of a new moon they will be seen placed together.

When planets are opposite to the sun they are most visible in the night sky. The closer they are trailing behind the sun clockwise the later at night / early morning they begin to appear in the sky. When their placement appears near front of the sun they will remain out of site to our naked eye in the daylight until their placement falls opposing or behind the sun.

Having this orrery as a daily practice will help you become aware of what goes on in our sky and the rate the celestial bodies move around our ecliptic plane. It is a good meditation to practice if you wish to be more aware of what is happening in space as percived from Earth.

My dining table orrery. unglazed ceramic, wax candle mold, peony arrangement and embroidered linen tablecloth. 2024

Table Set Up

Shown here is a diamond shape set up, but it can equally be done with a square or circle as long as the placement remains the same.

Moon Cycle Example Placements

New Moon
The moon and sun are both placed in the constellation Virgo. The moon is not visible in the sky.

First Quarter Moon
The moon is in Sagittarius and the Sun in Virgo. The moon will rise during the later hours of the day before night fall.

Full Moon
The moon is in Pisces and the Sun in Virgo. The moon will be seen rising in the east as the sun opposite to it in the west.

Last Quarter Moon
The moon is in Gemini and the sun in Virgo. The moon will be seen rising in the later hours of the night and will be visible in the night sky moving west as the sun begins to rise in the east

Sky Chart Resource

Click on the image to access the free Sky & Telescope sky chart which will give you the most accurate data for the placement of the celestial bodies for any given date.

Journey to Eclipse at the Zone of Silence in Mexico

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Mapimi Desert
April 5 - April 16, 2024

The Total Solar Eclipse of April 8 was, without exaggeration, the most intense event I have witnessed in my 30 years of life. It has taken me over a month to make a post about this experience and I wasn’t sure how to begin talking about this journey, but to start I’ll cover the basics. And then maybe at some point, I’ll give more insight on this blog about what happened.

For the 2024 Eclipse, we traveled to La Zona del Silencio (Zone of Silence) an area surrounded by mysterious occurrences. Getting to this region from Chicago took a bit of preplanning months prior. The zone is in the Mapimi Biosphere Reserve, a protected United Nations desert since 1977, and spans the Chihuahua, Coahuila, and Durango states of Mexico.

I heard about this region growing up through my mom whose hometown resides in the mountains of one of the states. So when I saw that the path of totality would cross this area I figured this would be the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience this cosmic event in this enigmatic place.

The zone became more widely known in 1969 when the Allende meteorite, mysteriously diverted its predicted course and landed in this area. A year later, in 1970, due to a loss in radio communication signals, a NASA ship carrying Cobalt 57 crashed in the same area. The United States was granted permission by the Mexican government to enter the region and clean the biohazardous crash.Which resulted in a vast amount of precious meteorite-rich soil shipped out of Mexico to the States via a temporary railway system. There is much local skepticism on this event and the US’ intentions and interest in excavating the land.

The crash sparked interest in the area and in the mid 70’s urban legends of odd occurrences and UFO sightings began to spread. Movies and books have since been produced revolving the stories of the region and comparisons over the years have been made to the Bermuda Triangle and the Devil’s Sea near Japan.

What we do know for certain is that the area does have an unusual magnetic field that shifts and results in a frequency of meteors falling, traditional compasses spinning aimlessly, and radio signals failing. The magnetic fields are also said to have a strange effect on the behaviors and characteristics of the flora and fauna of the region. These odd occurrences have drawn scientists and researchers to this desert from all over the globe. Within the zone, there is also an area that researchers have named “Cementerio de las Reses” because animals who have reached the end of their lifetime have inexplicably traveled to that area to reach their final resting point and die. Because it is miles away from light-polluted areas it also produces some of the best viewing opportunities for night sky watching, attracting many astronomy enthusiasts.

This is where we traveled to see the 2024 Total Solar Eclipse.